bahoogerfum

Yesterday night, I was in a mood where situations and words were hilariously funny, even though in reality they aren't very humorous. I laughed all the way home from Church to the bewilderment of my mom and sister. The best thing is, I can still feel that laughter somewhere in my chest. It is a good feeling. I am glad I am in this mood, because otherwise the things that are humorous would have me groaning and quite miserable, I think.

the countdown begins...

22 more days until Christmas!!!

frustrated.

It bothers me when people don't recognize opinions for what they are. When, in their minds, they believe so firmly in their own opinions that they become facts. It bothers me when negative people are the ones that are heard. That so often, they get the last word in a discussion. It bothers me that these people have the power to make me second guess my own opinions. That they make me sway toward their way of thinking just because it is easier than arguing and disagreeing. Maybe we are both right or have an element of "rightness" in our ideas and we can find a middle ground. Maybe we can listen to one another and discuss. Maybe I am scared to do that because I am scared of conflict. Maybe we can try to see the others point of view. Maybe we can love eachother... even for our differences. Maybe I lack love.

I don't know what I am trying to say. Maybe I am just frustrated. And I'm not going to lie; I am curious to see how this all turns out.

"Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak and slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God." -James 1:19.20

"The present is the point at which time touches eternity."
- C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity

I think I must be being too nice. (Cough.) You see, I have this student who kind of likes me. Probably just as someone he enjoys and admires or something. And so, apparently he talks about me quite a bit. I suppose his father can't resist teasing him about it. And this young gentleman, being five years old, couldn't resist telling me...
And I'm not sure whether the appropriate response is to be flattered or embarrassed.

hoo boy!

"My dad says that you are my girlfriend."

in present pain.

I hate it when little things bother me a lot. Make me really angry or sad deep inside for no apparent reason. And then all the other things that I have held inside of me for a while all start to well up and I feel like I need to explode. Yell really loud or cry really hard. Sometimes I am glad for these times though. To know that my heart isn't so hard that I can't feel things and hurt. Because sometimes I can go for a long time without feeling anything. And I forget what it is like. But why can't I feel without the pain?

forcing me to remember that it wasn't just a dream...

Tonight I started writing a letter to some of the people I worked with in Malawi. (Wow! I have been back home for three months.) And then I have to think of what to say to these people. My life has kind of moved on. And there life probably hasn't. And how do you tell them that you kind of think of your time spent with them as a dream... a far off happening of the past. That you don't pray for them. Obviously you don't tell them that. You tell them how much you are thankful for them and that you wish you could see them again. This is hard. It's a good thing they won't know that I have procrastinated doing this until about four days before I have to give the letters to Manuel to take back to Malawi. That I will probably keep procrastinating until the last possible moment. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a jerk. But I also can't help that they are so far away in so many different ways. Or is that just an excuse for the lack of love in my heart and absence of thought in my mind?

maybe

Lately I have been wishing that I could express myself with words better. And I have been wondering if that would help me think effectively. Or maybe the problem is that I do not think effectively and that is why I cannot express myself.

antonym: encouraged

dis·cour·aged dis·cour·age, dis·cour·ag·ing, dis·cour·ag·es 1. To be deprived of confidence, hope, or spirit. 2. To be hampered by discouragement; detered. 3. To be prevented by the expression of disapproval or raised objections.

deterred, daunted, dashed, dismayed, pessimistic, dispirited, downcast, disheartened, crestfalled.

Synonyms: discourage, dishearten, dispirit
These verbs mean to make less hopeful or enthusiastic.

"consider Him... lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls."

-Heb. 12

:)

i think i was having too much fun.

some days i just want to go home.

uh-huh

"y...y...e...e...l...l...y-e-ll...o...w...ow...y-ell-o-w... YELLOW!!! I knew it! I knew the whole time that it was yellow!!!"

THINK... don't shrink

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

-second timothy one

a war within my members

a trap...

sometimes feeling sorry for myself is so attractive...

and i hate how hypothetical my trust is.

Am I prepared for rain and/or is my mask still fixed firmly in place?

Sometimes rediscovering old music/songs is like rediscovering old friends and realizing why you liked them so much. You realize why you identified yourself with them and remember the good and bad times you had with them.

Yes, I still am kind of sick of Casting Crowns but now I remember the reason I listened to it so many times that I got sick of it.

Stain Glass Masquerade-

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in Church today feeling so small,
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover that I don't belong

So I tuck it all away
Like everything is okay
If I make them all believe it
Maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin
I play the part again
So everyone will see me
The way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles that hide our pain
But if the invitations open
To ever heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stain glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there?
Are there any hands to raise?
Am I the only whose traded
An alter for a stage?
The performance is convincing
We know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Do we really fall apart.

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
You imagine me to be
Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Or would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay?

Voice of Truth- Makes me think of faith and the movie Facing the Giants and the power of prayer. It reminds me of something someone says on that movie about prayer. That some farmers pray for rain and other farmers pray for rain and then go prepare their fields for it. When we pray, we have to believe that God hears us and prepare for His answer. And as I was listening to this song and thinking those things I realized that I had opened my Bible to Matthew 21:21,22. "So Jesus answered and said to them, 'Assuredly I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to this fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain 'Be removed and cast into the sea' it will be done. And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."

today i fell to earth again, again.

all i can say is...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
and i think i need to pray a lot
and i can't do it on my own... i know because i keep trying
and falling
and failing

did you see me falling down...

"Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;
for the LORD upholds him with His hand."
Psalm 37:23,24

"I waited patiently for the LORD;
and He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit out of the miry clay,
and set my feet upon a rock and established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth-
Praise to our GOD;
many will see it and fear,
and will trust in the LORD.
Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust,
and does not respect the proud,
nor such as turn aside to lies.
Many, O LORD my GOD ,
are Your wonderful works which YOU have done;
and Your thoughts toward us cannot be recounted to YOU in order;
if I would declare and speak of them,
they would be more than could be numbered."
Psalm 40:1-5

"I would have lost heart,
unless I had believed
that I would see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living."

WAIT on the LORD
BE of good COURAGE
and HE shall STRENGTHEN your HEART
WAIT i say on the LORD

Psalm 27:13,14

today i fell to earth again, again,
i guess i failed You,
i guess i cannot win

"Have YOU not kept my feet from falling,
That I may walk before GOD
in the light of the living?"
Psalm 56:13

and these are the pictures i took on my quest for the lamest pictures EVER...

yup.

and it was a bobber...

and a sunset...

and a telephone wire...

and a tree...

and i have no idea who THAT is

and what she is doing and why she is doing it

and, and... yeah

(did i mention something about lame pictures?)

hullo!!

umm, did i tell you that the captions that go with the lame pictures... well, they're lame too!

faces

searching, laughing, solemn, mischievous,

sad, joyful, curious, tearful, serious, shining,

silly, giggling, mournful, peaceful, hopeful,

delighted, hungry, happy, desolate, satisfied, despairing,

caring, accusing, smiling, angry, shy, staring, scared,

confused, bold, sweet, gaunt, courageous,

empty, hopeless, fearful, begging, Seeking...

O GOD you are my GOD

Early I will seek YOU

My soul thirsts for YOU

In a dry and thirsty land

Where there is no water

So I have looked for You

in the Sanctuary

To see YOUR power and YOUR glory

Because YOUR lovingkindness is better than life

My lips shall praise YOU

Thus I will bless YOU while I live

I will lift up my hands in YOUR name

Psalm 63

hello!

I was going to do something brilliant but then I couldn't think of anything.

(WOW. I finally was able to sign into blogger!)

Relationships are so crazy. They are thing that matter the most in life, but they are sooo weird. It's a strange feeling when you have been keeping feelings inside for so long and then when you start to let them out you find out that someone else is feeling the same thing. Struggling with the same thing. I wish I could love some much that the love would cover a multitude of sins. I wish that I was humble enough to not even see those sins in the first place. I wish I wasn't such a jerk.

Why does LOVE have to be so hard? Why does it have to hurt?

Making friends is fun. Handling friendships is hard. Making a mess of them is easy.

Time is strange. One month and I will be home. I have lists going. Lists of all the things I am excited about home. Lists of all the things I am worried about. Lists of all the things I will miss in Malawi. I wish I could live outside of time and space.

WE WILL DANCE on the streets that are golden
the glorious bride and the great Son of man,
every tribe and tongue and nation will join in the song of the Lamb.

DANCE with all your might.

So many homes, but I can still count them all on one hand.

it hurts

i asked the Lord... and it hurts.

Please pray.

His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

Muli bwanji? Dili bwino. Kaya inu? Dili bwino. Zikomo

Don't know where to start. So I will just say this... I still like BSS. A lot. DAYLIGHT!!!!
The world doesn't revolve around me. I am glad I put the note from Nadine (and Chris) on the wall beside my bed. Praying for you my dear. The things I had to deal with in Canada I have to deal with here too. I am glad I know a bit of sign language. "stupid boys" Teaching 5 highschool classes is CRAZY. I am not too excited to repeat the process. AHHHHH. Freak out.

sometimes the bravest thing of all is to hope.

One of the first things I want to do upon returning "home" is to sing and sing and sing with all my amazing friends.

'cause the bravest thing of all is always hope...

goodbye, goodbye.

Watery eyes...

"I made the blue ones and some of the pink ones. Make sure that when you give them to the children, you tell them that the lady who made these loves you."

it is so nice to be alone

"In the secret, in the quiet place,
In the stillness, You are there."

almost done...

but not quite. will i ever be?

Humbled

I am humbled.

Thank you.
Thank you God.

I hope I can learn to have a serving heart too.

Philippians 2

I know the truth awaits me...

but still I hesitate because of fear.

And why does my train of thought travel in circles?


"Oh you of little faith, why are you so afraid?"

PROCRASTINATION

says it all.

Ughgh...

If it were possible to make money being a professional grump, jerk, and complainer, I would be a multi-millionaire.

hello charity

I got to hold my new sister today!

"For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works and that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance being yet unformed.
And in Your book they were all written,
The days were fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them."
-Part of Psalm 139

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace

And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, My strength is made perfect in weakness."

Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be,
Let that grace now like a fettor bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander Lord I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love,
Here's my heart, oh take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

He must increase, but I must decrease.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Under twenty thousand tons of brick and stone,
She carries all the weight of her own world,
But somewhere deep inside,
Beneath the cartilage and bone,
Beats the battered heart of one little girl alone.
She is sweet, like sugar,
But she is bitter like the broken sugar pot.
Dad says that she could be anything she wants to be,
She only sees what she is not.

Chorus
Disbeliever, underachiever,
Disconcerted with the way things look from here,
Disinclined and disinterested,
Nothing in your world seems clear.
Disbeliever, underachiever,
Don't you shed another tear,
Little Sister, broken heart resistor,
It's not like that over here.

With the Blanket of Security,
And the mighty force of her own will,
Treading water in her pink pajamas,
She is treading water still.
Hopelessly hopeless,
And she is swimming,
Further into the sea.
Thinking she's substandard,
While all the while,
She is beautiful to me.

She is strong and silent,
She is blunt and shrewd,
She thinks that nobody loves her,
If she only knew,
How much we all have missed her,
We are praying for you, my little sister.

April 22

still waiting...

another lesson in patience.

hurry up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why am i a christian?

This was the topic in catechism last night and it was really thought provoking.

One of the things we talked about that stood out to me was this: (put into my own words)

What can we learn from the OT? If nothing else we can see this, that many of the people we call heroes lacked faith and sinned like crazy, but God still loved them. Look at Sampson, he isn't exactly the type of guy we would want in our church. David commited something we pretend doesn't happen. But God forgave them and used them, and we look up to them as examples. We are just the same as these "heroes". We sin and lack faith. But by God's grace, were are His children, His chosen people. God loves us.

i learned something...

...i don't know anything about photography...

but i had fun with my new camara.

murdered babies

psalm 94.

They break in pieces Your people, O Lord,
And afflict Your heritage...
They slay the widow and the stranger,
and murder the fatherless.
Yet they say, "The Lord does not see, nor does the God of Jacob understand."
... He who planted the ear, shall He not hear?
He who formed the eye, shall He not see?

Shall the throne of iniquity, which devises evil by law,
Have fellowship with You?
They gather together against the life of the righteous,
And condemn innocent blood.

But the Lord has been my defense,
And my God the rock of my refuge.

yup

blue like jazz is pretty much an awesome book. i am going to keep reading it over and over again.

don't really know what i am going to say, but posting anyways

Right now I could really use one of those plastics scoops, which interestingly enough I have had at both jobs. They are the perfect things to throw at walls with all your might. (I don't do that at this job, it just wouldn't be the same:P) Maybe I will invest in one so that I can go to the barn and throw it around in there... just a thought!


There are times when everything is crazy and I realize how much my life and future is not in my own hands, and I am left with two options. Get depressed and stressed, or just praise God and leave it all to Him. Ok, maybe there are three options... do a combination of the first two.


I don't want to be redundant, but I will post this passage again...


"Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say rejoice!
Let your gentleness be known to all men.
The Lord is at hand.
Be anxious for nothing,
but in everything by prayer and supplication,
with thanksgiving,
let your requests be made known to God;
and the peace of God,
which passes all understanding,
will guard your hearts and minds
through Jesus Christ."
Philippians 4:4-7

not words or a feeling

Gloria, in excelces deo.
Gloria, gloria.
Too weak to wonder,
Too tired to care,
Jesus Christ, are you really there?
I've fallen down,
Can't pull myself back up.
I'm going to drown, have mercy,
Have mercy.

I need You now,
Not words or a feeling,
But Jesus Christ,
I've hit the ceiling.

Your love,
Your mercy,
Your light unending,
Your hope,
Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending.

me...

proud, stuck-upish snob.

don't:
"Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another."
do:
"In lowliness of mind, let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

my head hurts (and so does my body)

Be anxious for nothing,
but in everything by prayer and supplication,
with thanksgiving,
let your requests be made known to God;
and the peace of God,
which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds through Jesus Christ.

While I lay, I'd dream we're better, scales were gone and faces lighter

- Friendships and relationships are so complex. Love bears burdens and covers a multitude of sins.
- I like it when my friends care enough to take the time to listen, it is even better when they understand so well, I do not have to put a disclaimer on what I say or defend and explain my thoughts.
- I like keeping things inside too. It gives a sense of aloneness that feels achy, but nice in an odd way.
- I can't wait for heaven; perfect communion with God and fellow brothers and sisters.
- I like the moon and brave saint saturn.
- Laughing at stupid and immature things is good for the mind and body. You are not truly mature until you know it is ok to be immature at times. (Or something like that.)
- Trusting is not easy. Once trust is won, it can be easily broken.
- I will try to fix you, but may the True Light guide you Home... and ignite you.
- Not reading the Bible and praying is a good way to ignore God and stop growing.

"But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin." 1 John 1:7

little girls

Talking with two little girls (ages 2 and 3) while eating lunch is a fascinating experience. You do everything from discussing attire, to teaching them how to count to ten on their fingers. I had to explain that I am not Mr. Amy, but Miss Amy. And not Biss Amy. We even found crazy shapes with the orange peels. There were bunnies, stars, and lots of chairs, dinasours etc. Of course, we did some eating too.

some advice

If you want more hours at work, just show up thinking you were on the schedule at a really busy time when there is a lot of work to do. You may just end up working.

"It doesn't taste like a heart"

-Aaron, on the occasion of making a chocolate cake in the shape of a heart for Valentines Day.
We all quickly assured the disappointed young baker that we could taste the love.
(For some reason that didn't make him feel any better.)

He answered my prayer...

but it wasn't at all how I expected.

just go away and leave me alone

You know what? Just go away. I don't like you and what you do to me. I don't like what you do to me and my relationship with God and other people. I don't like how you pretend to be my boss and tell me what to do and how I listen to you. I don't like your lies and schemes and all that other junk that you use to get your way. No matter how beautiful you and your ideas seem, you and they are ugly and detestable and I want nothing to do with you. So go away and leave me alone.

Don't you know that the great battle has already been won? I don't belong to you and you have been defeated. I am not your slave. Yes, I am still inclined to all evil and I cannot see as well as I should, but you no longer have dominion over me. I belong to Jesus. I have been bought with His blood. He has crushed you, but made me alive. Nothing you can do will change that.
So, leave me alone.

GO AWAY.

I HATE YOU.

hmm.

Until you know that life is war, you cannot know what prayer is for.
-John Piper

Romans 14

For the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit... do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food.
Therefore let us not judge one another any more, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way.

sigh

The snow is really beautiful, but right now I have a longing for a kabanging thunderstorm.

unconditional love

Of all the hugs I have ever received, Dad's are the best. I love you, Dad.

p.s. to previous post

i hope all my other immunizations work better than the flu shot.

it makes me more excited for heaven

Being sick sucks, but I didn't even get depressed this time!!! That is quite an accomplishment for me...
What is depressing though, is when your stomach has stopped swirling and gurgling, but you can't eat anything because your taste buds are messed. Uggh.

not even going to lie

I'm not even mad that I finished my scarf last night. Not mad a bit. And that I did it while listening to Come Thou Fount on repeat.

sometimes the bravest thing of all... is to hope

It made me sad that I could go for a walk in my "backyard" and find this evidence of life without hope. A place that I go to seek God in beauty, others go to thinking that they can escape the ugliness that is sin.

Nothing

What do you say when you have so much on your mind?